Patent Pending Diet

The joehigh.com Patent Pending XXDietxX Lifestyle

Before

As you can see from the artist's rendering, these are the expected results of the joehigh.com Patent Pending Diet (JHPPD). The JHPPD is scientifically designed to transform me from the current colorless round John Candy (Pun Intended) looking person to the extremely serious, luscious lipped, color-filled person I once was.

Visitors to joehigh.com are able to learn the secrets of the JHPPD that were once only available to the people of a small island of the coast of Tennessee. Be aware, any modification to the JHPPD should be considered dangerous to your health, and if any morons are reading this thinking this is in anyway real health advice, leave my site now and anything you do is at your own risk. I don't recommend driving.

After

JHPPD Details

The JHPPD is comprised of 2 parts. The first is nothing more than a New Year's resolution. You should know that I am against New Year's resolutions and chalk them up to being for people who are weak minded and can't commit to doing something when they want to. In my case, my timing on the need for another diet came right at the end of December. Said resolution is NO CANDY FOR THE YEAR. That is right, nothing from the official world candy rankings is allowed for an entire year.

The second part of the JHPPD is the diet itself. Being an ancient scientific formula I must provide a few basic definitions for the layman to understand the depths of the program.

Snack - A snack is defined as being something delicious and bad for you. An apple is not a snack, it's a health food.
Meal Type - A meal type is simply each type of meal throughout the day. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and Desert are the 4 meal types.

Now that everyone is up to speed we can get to the details of the JHPPD. It is critical that the list is read from top to bottom, otherwise you are reading the wrong way.

The JHPPD:

No Candy. Period.
No Soda. Period.
No Coffee. It smells like crap, and I only put it in here because I don't drink it already and I thought it would piss people off to read it. Man up and be energetic without the caffeine, it is a b.s. crutch that you lie to yourself about needing.
No Snacking between meals. Snacks, are allowed, they simply must be eaten with your meal.
Only 1 of each meal type can be eaten out per week. All other meals must be prepared at home. *** Meals prepared at someone else's home are acceptable but frowned upon simply because of how much I like the phrase frowned upon.
Eat smaller portions than you were before. It doesn't matter how big these portions are. As long as they are less than you were previously eating, you will lose weight or gain weight slower.
Eat healthier than you were before. This doesn't mean salads, salads are boring. Eat what you like, just don't dip it in deep fried mayo.
If you can trick yourself into thinking something bland is good, do it. We all drank 2% milk when we were kids. At some point your parents switched to 1% and you hated it but because you had to drink a gallon a day and didn't have a job, you dealt with it. Same thing happened on your way to skim. Now you drink it thinking you like it when in reality you tricked your body into thinking it was as good. Long term these evil attacks at yourself will pay off. You will have achieved maximum self-trickery when you are eating meals regularly with someone named Kendra that doesn't remember what meat looks like.

That's it. Nothing more to it. However, there are a few things to know and watch out for.

If you are married to someone that looks like DJ Jazzy Jeff than you are likely to coat your next meal in excuses. Panera is not a home made health food. Look it up, it was started by McDonalds and oddly enough a Chicken Caeser Salad has the exact same fat content as a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. If you say it's a different kind of fat than slap yourself and leave my site.
If you are easily scared by someone sitting down next to you that you had no idea was there for over a minute than you will find yourself thinking that losing 10 pounds is amazing. That is the case when you weigh 130 pounds. When you are twice that weight a good flossing can take 5 pounds off alone.
Finally, if you think that these kinds of diets are a bad idea because "you won't maintain it", add yourself to the list of people who say dumb stuff constantly (future page on this site). Based on your logic, you think it's better for people to keep gaining weight than to do something that even if only for a day brings them down to a healthier weight. Again, dumb and you can leave the site.

If you have any suggestions on how to modify the JHPPD please click here to submit them for consideration. Yeah, how did clicking there go for you? Not looking for feedback.

UPDATE

The JHPPD is done. It is now the JHPPL. That is correct, it is no longer a diet, it is a lifestyle. I have been following the JHPPL for nearly 14 months now. Just like any other lifestyle my weight swings up and down based on what I am eating. At my lightest point over the last 14 months I was down a total of 50 pounds. Right now I am somewhere around 40 down. Surprise, it all depends on what I am eating and how much of it.

So, here are some of the finer details that play out and commonly asked question / answers:

Trips out of town are nearly impossible so they are out. Eat wherever you want but still no candy or soda.
If you travel for work every week, this lifestyle isn't going to work for you. Lets face it, you are in a tough spot.
Desert was never really defined. I was not a big desert guy to begin with so I left desert kosher all the time from anywhere.
Drinking. People seem confused by this. If you want a drink, drink it.
Combining days is not allowed. 1 meal out per day max.
Grocery stores can be tricky. A slice of pizza from Wegmans is fine as you can see it made there with the same ingrdients you would buy. However, the sandwhich counter isn't allowed (unless you poorly use that as a meal out). I don't trust that the food is from that days deli counter and bakery and isn't loaded with preservatives.

UPDATE #2

So, as you saw in my first update I attempted to transition the JHPPD to the JHPPL. Unfortunately a combination of Jerusalem's High Point Police Department and our very own government got in the way of all of this. The folks in Jerusalem claimed I couldn't use JHPPD, that they already had the rights to the name. Our government said that by already providing the patent on the JHPPD that it would take years to get another patent for the JHPPL. Well everyone, I have the news you have all been waiting for. The JHPPL is official as of today, February 14th 2016. Yep, that's right, Valentine's Day. I know, I love it too.

To be clear, the JHPPD lasted just over 2 years. I took a 1 week hiatus to finalize the details of the JHPPL and it is officially live.

To satisfy all of the parties involved I was required to make a few changes to the plan but the great news is that they are both healthier for you and more delicious. Yep, I know what you are thinking, just like guacamole.

So, here is the full breakdown of the JoeHigh.com Patent Pending Lifestyle:

The No's:

No Candy - If you have some mini M&Ms or some chocolate chips in a dessert that will pass. But don't try and put a bag of skittles on top of a brownie (which is patent pending as well by the way).
No Soda - I don't know if tonic water counts as a soda so I am going to play dumb. Same goes for 7-Up in my Orange Crush recipe. Jack & Coke, clearly not allowed.
No Coffee - This is because it smells gross and I don't wan't people I know around me drinking coffee. It also is a bad caffeine dependency but I really just don't want to smell you organic chi latte Columbian bean fertilizer filled breath.

The Yes's:

Choosing to have a bag of chips and a cookie as your lunch / dessert. It still fits because it is your lunch and a dessert. You can't have that same bag of chips after your meal though. At that point it is a snack.
Booze
Ice Cream - It is dessert
Pizza
Cheese Burger
Burrito
Everything else that doesn't violate the plan or the No's

Upgrades to the Plan:

Business meals are now allowed during the week. This was the biggest issue with the JHPPL. Two important work dinners in 1-week puts you in the spot of having to decide which one it is OK to sit and watch everyone else eat. Not good. However, this is not an open invitation to try and find someone at work to create a meeting for lunch everyday with. It is your lifestyle, don't cheat on yourself.
That brings up a good point. One of the most common questions I got about the JHPPD was "What happens if you cheat"? Well you know the phrase "There is no such thing as a bad question", well it was likely said by someone that asked a lot of bad questions. "Cheating" means you are done, you have failed, you don't even value yourself. It is like punching yourself in the face. Likely, your fatter face.
So you are thinking "Come on Joe, you just added more meals to account for this whole business meal thing" Not so fast wise guy. To balance the earth's gravitational pull the JHPPL now includes an exercise requirement. 3 days a week you must do some form of exercise. That can be push-ups, sit-ups, bike, running, swimming, game of lax bro, racquetball, etc... Just do something.
That's it. Everything else remains the same. Enjoy.